2018 reflections

Can't believe 2018 is just two days away now. I lost the motivation to blog because nothing eventful was happening, but since I'm in the holidays I can flex.

Oh, so I'm celebrating happily meaning I passed all of my courses. There were a few hiccups but yolo-dolo. I also made it through holiday retail nightmare-- Yea I worked Boxing day and I fucking hated it but I'm alive and payday is coming up. Other than that, I don't know how to describe this past month. It's been different but also really chill. December really slipped past me this year.

Am I looking forward to 2019? Maybe. I have hope lol for positive changes in my life-- which is pretty dope because I feel like I'm typically sad and lowkey loathing life every new year. But who knows, I might be just as sad and mopey in the new year since things don't just change at the strike of midnight. I have barely done any reading this month which is the real kicker in the vaginal. And now that I mentioned it, I will start a new book this very moment.

Happy holidays and probably Happy new year if I don't post again!

Here's a compilation of aesthetic pictures of food I've taken but never had time to share I guess:

It gets dark at 6...

Now that winter has semi-arrived, it's really tempting to fall into lazy tendencies. I'm almost always 10 minutes late than when I was already late. The lack of sunshine is a real downer on my mood and I'm always tired. I don't even know how I got through midterms and continue to function on a daily basis. But, I don't want to fall into this unhealthy act of feeling gloomy and tired everyday, so I'm trying some things to counteract winter this year (for the first time in my life). Winter sucks. Period. I've never been a fan, never will, I think. The only good thing that comes out of it is winter holiday and xmas jingles.

Some things I'm trying out are:
1. Vitamins,
2. Dressing cuter and
3. Keeping busy.
Pretty straightforward stuff.. Hopefully the vitamins can help me feel energized from the natural lack of. I want to try to dress cuter so it would keep me in a good shmood. And currently still doing part-time job hunting but hopefully by next week I will have something secured. It's been a while since I worked in retail, but at this point, I wouldn't mind the discount and doing something outside of academia.

Light sleeper

What not to do when you go to bed at 2am but suddenly wake at 4am:

Notice every single sound you've never paid attention to before.
Stare at the ceiling in the dark.
Turn on the lights and stare at the ceiling some more.
Attempt to count sheep but keep losing count.
Walk around in the dark.
Get dressed for a night walk but realize it's snowing.
Eat a burger.
Feel bad about eating the burger, so you try to workout for half an hour thinking it would help tire you out as well.
Feel even more awake and energized than before.
Watch some youtube. Read a chapter of a book. Go back to bed and still can't fall asleep. See some light starting to peek through the windows. Feel angry because your head hurts. Fall asleep angry. The End.

Romanticize your everyday life?

Someone posted an interesting concept of romanticizing your everyday life so you could appreciate and enjoy the little things in life. I'm currently in midterm madness and I could relate to this so much. I've been watching more 'study with me' vlogs and have been trying to make prettier, organized notes with different colored pens. I've also been loathing commute during rush hour cause at the end of the day my feet are so sore and then I have the pleasure of running for the underground and getting Chopped by the relentless doors. But then I think about to all those city scenes (have never watched Sex and the City but I imagine that's what it's like??) and I'm like alright I can do this!

Maybe that's a sad way to live or an interesting outlook but hey, at least life is a lot more tolerable ! lol..

And since stress has been pretty high lately, I've been resorting to retail therapy which has been fun. I want to explore outside of sweats . I still want comfortable, but put together, you know?
My most recent purchase was this cropped gray collar shirt, a pair of black chinos that fit me like a glove (love), and a striped shirt (still undecided if stripes look ugly on me). I also acquired a used sewing machine so maybe try my hand at crafting something from nothing (winkwink) ?

Readings:

August/September in a nutshell.

Nothing. Byeeeee.
No but seriously, nothing great happened. I'm running on week 3 of school and it's been super tolerable and I am okay with it! I even have time to READ leisurely which is amazing.. although I haven't started studying yet.. so maybe I just have my priorities wrong (or right?).
I made some acquaintance-type friends. It's all been very chill minus the part where I wake up in a rush to pack lunch and run for the underground (still work-in-progress). 
I somehow pulled my chest muscle so now it really hurts to cough but I am kicking this sickness to the curb. At least I hope I am. It's been a persistent few weeks (almost 2 months) of acute bronchitis.

Still job hunting for part-time work. Haven't sent out any applications, but am going to try my absolute non-procrastinating best to aim for the end of this week. 

On a scale of 1-10, I'd rate life sub-par to not bad right now.

Grass is always greener..

Day 2 is over and I am swamped like a mofo.

Instead of studying, I want to read leisurely and find a new job. It's funny how I kept telling myself that school was what I wanted, but alas, I am trying every excuse to get out of it. School work is a bit confusing but makes sense in a way? I don't know how to describe it. Content is very heavy and lab component is intimidating, but since I have more lab experience, I'm hopeful it will come in handy. Otherwise, I think I can make it.. I think. School feels hard, but I have this gut feeling that I can make it through if I just put in some effort (duh). All my personal free time is kind of out the window more than when I loathed working which is ironic. I haven't even been able to absorb the fact that I am in the ~big city~ now since I'm stuck in school all day and by the time I get out, I need to prepare myself for the commute (which has been tolerable so far-- gotta wait until winter comes and trains become a mess).

The one thing I appreciate is how thorough/straight-forward the provided content is (no fill in the blanks in-class or surprise quiz information) and how you could totally just self-learn with enough discipline. The part I dislike the most that I find common in every school system is their online navigation. I'm not a computer person or graphic designer, but why are school websites always so shit. There's too much going on and the organization is not so user friendly. It's weird.

One week in Punta Cana

Hola~ I am back from my much needed trip. I think I've maxed out on my Vitamin D and luckily no sun burns! I'm still processing the fact that I am back home now, so I don't know what to say... I ate nonstop, drank moderately (heh), walked along the beach whenever, saw palm trees, acquired an uneven tan, etc.

Listening:

 

"I know you're weary and I've worn you out, but you can rest your mind here and take your trainers off and... I apologize. I should have approached this differently. We said we'd be honest with each other so I guess... You make me feel like the unrequited lover. I don't wanna follow you around until you find the truth. But I'd rather not kiss every stranger until I find you. Can't you just appear in my hands and I'll carry you instead? There's planets in my palms, if you get bored of my skin, I mean you change with the moon. Habitual rituals. Your smiling and light is my only residual. The first time we met, did you go home and think of me too? Our silence settles strangely now and self consciousness is heavy. I know. People overthink things. Women wreak havoc. Men implode. But don't trouble yourself with my opinions. Just remember me in the morning and carry me home"

Can life just be a game of sims with the cheat codes, please?

Umm, I don't know how to write right now. Double-posted today because I felt like pride needed a post of its own Which is very instagram of me, Which I need to stop using so much. Sometimes I find myself just stuck on it for hours just scrolling through feed and watching random videos or even the same videos over again ('pets confused by disappearing owner trick' anyone??). Can't remember when I became so attached to my phone all of a sudden..

It's July already. Damn where does the time go?! I've been very bad at studying Python. I'm like... 3 weeks behind (woops). Gonna try to catch up this long weekend. Happy Canada Day btw. Everything is happening so fast . I won't lie; I'm pretty nervous about school. Like keeping up with studies and getting into the zone. I haven't even handed in my health records yet. Gotta apply for school loans all over again.. Figure out my game plan for everyday commute. Giving up my car. I know I'll figure it all out when I decide to stop procrastinating but in the meantime Imma worry.

Brb listening to Drake's new album but not really.. It's a lot of rap for one day. I need a few days to consume all the lines.

Love is love is love is love is love....

Happy Pride !! I had so much fun this day. 

Fake mondays are the best cause you're one day ahead in life.

Ahhh, I had such a hard time staying awake at work today. Getting back from long weekends is always difficult. On the bright side, the work week is shorter. (I keep telling myself to take pics in landscape but owell, portrait fits too. btw all my pics usually have hover titles..)

 

 

Turning the tides.

Life's about to get Weird! I've been suggesting (is that the right word?) that something in my life was in-the-making and I can finally talk about it because I'm low-key superstitious and also I didn't want to reveal it just in case the plan fell through which was highly possible. Phew that was a long sentence.

For the past few weeks, I have been going through the process of receiving an interview (MMI style) for a college program related to healthcare. I was recently notified that I was accepted. Life's been a whirlwind. I don't want to discuss too much about the specifics but basically, the interview was fun and exciting (Aside: I miss that part so much. It's like a light switched on and the gears started winding again). I stumbled on a few stations and thought for sure that it would be to my disadvantage, but an acceptance came through!

Anyways, this isn't about going back to school, but rather the fact that I took another leap. I'm all about taking risks, I mean, life needs a few risks to get to good investments. But alas, risk-assessment is what fucks me up the most. It took me one whole cycle of school admissions to determine whether I wanted to get back into it. (That doesn't sound so bad in retrospect) But honestly, it was a dreadful year because I seriously felt stuck in a rut. It was kind of a blessing in disguise though, because in that year of just working in the industry and trying to figure life out, I discovered things I liked and disliked. Don't get me wrong- I'm so so fortunate for even having a job. But I learned, most importantly, more or less of how I envision the rest of my life (or at least the rest of my life in this age range; until I get to the next chapter). So even though I'm happy and glad that I got accepted to said med program, I'm still... searching. I'm thinking of turning the tables on myself.. trying out something different but not completely new.. I'm trying to revisit what made me happy and luckily, it's kind of an old passion, something I delved into way back when I was in high school. There's more math, more data...

I still have some (very short, limited) time until the deadline to accept the program offer and put in my deposit. But I am kind of keen on learning some data stuff. I've always loved math. It was a language that I struggled so much with, but it's one of those babies that I held near and dear even when it wasn't applicable. Even throughout my school years, I always thought to myself "man I miss math". I don't know why I never pursued it or thought about making it more applicable to my field.. but now fuck it, I'll try!

Mom jeans and chill.

I finally bit the bullet and ordered some MOMS JEANS and guys, I think I found my life (not really). I bought two different pairs from Simons, specifically under the brand Twik which claims some of their clothing to be green-friendly. The jeans are 100% cotton, but I don't think they fall under this category...

I've been on the fence because I've tried this style before and it was quite unflattering for the buttocks. But I decided to try again since I really needed new jeans (my fave pair are just over a decade old wow!) and I'm v tired of wearing skinny jeans and I just wanted good flowing blood circulation cause squats are an essential part of my everyday life. At first I was iffy, but they grew on me and I love em!

Awkward posing but I think they turned out okay??? Got any tips?!

What I love the most is how much crotch space there is. Like...so much space. The black pair fit a bit more snug on my thighs but they're also more stretchy. They have a bit of a frayed hem which I think is great BUT I'm short (or the jeans are long) so the length is kinda awkward. I don't know if I'll end up cutting off some fabric or just have it perpetually rolled up. The blue wash pair are also amazing. I honestly feel like a mom wearing them. They're great hanging over my converse or rolled up for some ankle exposure ;).

Reservations

I really need to stop using slang ironically. I almost titled this post "Shoot your shot" lmao. I noticed I've been integrating slang into my everyday convo. It's getting pretty bad.. I had to catch myself from saying "af" as letters the other day. Although I think my boss/managers are used to me responding with "[I'm] chill" when they ask how I'm doing by now.

Also while I'm kind of on the topic of cutting out stuff (slang), I think I'm going to go cold turkey on coffee. For some reason, I get terrible headaches with coffee (even when it's just a diluted down iced coffee),  and I've known it for a while but I like to enjoy the aroma now and then. It was never for the wake-me-up since I always had the chance of a panic attack. Guess I'll stick to tea. 

Growing up kinda socks, but everything will be okay.

I've noticed that as I get older, I value practical gifts more than anything. I used to take advantage of gift-giving season to get useless shit. But now, I really appreciate when I receive, for example, an electric toothbrush for my birthday, and then brush refills for xmas. It just makes more sense.

Socks used to be my most... 'do-not-want' purchase but now I'm like,, helll yeah socks. Plus look at the pretty colors. I distinctly remember in elementary when we would have rap battles, and once a kid clowned on me for wearing green socks with cropped pants. And then I got self-conscious and never wore cropped pants ever again, until this day when I can finally live out my Truth!! Full circle huh.

Btw, I killed my header cause it was starting to feeling overwhelming.

Listening:

Buffalo + Washington, DC 2018

This past Easter weekend, I took a trip across the border. It included a loaded bus, hours of karaoke and just some wholesome community bonding.

First stop was Our Lady of Fatima Shrine. Gotta say the space was impressive. I reckon it looks a lot better either in the summer when the green comes out or in the winter when it's blanketed in snow.

Listening:

I love Sabrina Claudio. Her voice is so ethereal. If I walked through life as a broadcast, About Time would perfectly describe my inner thoughts as an opening theme like how it perfectly intros the rest of the album. I'd be sitting by a window sipping some hot tea staring out at the view; in my home it's a city but outside it's breathtaking and you can see rolling hills and green for days. the steam from my cup rises and fades the screen to white. mhm

Readings:

memory recollection and in turn...

Before I forget, I stumbled on this documentary about people who have the ability to remember events down to the very year, month and day. It's incredible. Some days my memory really sucks and here are people who can recall the weather or event that happened years back. It really makes me think about how their neurons fire compare to an average brain, or how these memories connect in their brains so quickly. I thought it was really cool how they did the brain scans to show how he used parts of his visual brain that people don't access. I wonder if the rapid recollection of memory would have a similar profile as those who are pathological liars, because I remember reading this study (1 | 2 ) discussing increased white matter and how it allowed them to jump into creating "stories"/lies so quickly (although the study is more conclusive on personality types rather than the wiring of the brain).

I definitely felt for Jill though. I don't think I would want to recall all memories especially through the downs of life. I'm already a mess as a pretty average person lol and every so often when I'm overthinking moments of my life, choices I've made, or even dealing with anxiety, it gets rough. Even the small stupid stuff make me cringe. So to have to go through all the memories in detail is triggering. She said that she went through depressive phases, and damn, it must've been a vicious cycle..

The human body never fails to amaze me. That's cliche and a known fact, but sometimes I take it for granted and when I learn about stuff like this, it reminds me how quirky our bodies are; these living cells that function, our conscience, the connection... yeah that's another discussion. But basically, Being Alive is pretty cool, gotta remember to live life even if I'm #marriedtothehustle and be amazed with what we can achieve and what the rest of the world has in store.

Been watching a lot of things lately:

For once, I went to the theaters with a friend who was back in town. We watched... 50 Shades Freed a few days shy of Valentine's Day. Can't believe I paid for that garbage... knowing it was garbage. I like to tell myself it was for the experience, but I've seen way better corny flicks. The bsdm was pretty tame; I guess cause they focused more on "plot advancement" *cough* this time around.

I finished some anime. Can't remember all the titles right now.. but just know I did.

I devoured 10 episodes of OCTB yesterday. It's a chinese police series on Netflix involving triad/gangster stuff. Super into it.

And I've been tuning into gameplay here and there. I started dabbling in Sims 4 speed builds. They're intense but kind of therapeutic.

Other than that, I'm still working on reading. Working on work. And working on life stuff? (idk) I went to The Falls. It was freezing but I kind of needed the freezing air to snap some introspect into me. Too bad I missed the winter lights festival; the pics would have been good for the gram or whatever.

I'm drifting through my days lately. Half high on meds and half from exhaustion cause I caught a cold that feels something closer to a mild flu but I'm working hard! I refuse to be bedridden. Especially cause the weather is picking up. Less snow, more sunshine. I'm happy.

Listening to:

I've been listening to this song a lot and pop-py genres. I am so ready for summer vibes and cruising with the windows down again ! Get me out of this snow hell. 

The Gambler

Time waits for No One. That quote has stuck with me ever since I watched The Girl Who Leapt Through Time. Sometimes, I just gotta take that leap of faith, and this is coming from a bona fide planner that executes life in cautious, slow, agonizing steps. But from what I've learned and accomplished, all my choices mainly stemmed from a "fuck it, just do it" (nike plz send me free stuff) attitude. Not that it's always the best, but you gain some and you lose some.. and it's really up to the End Result to determine, which you won't get to until you try it out right? I mean, that's how I ended up with a master's degree (lol) but I learned a lot from it and I don't think I would take that experience away if I could. And just a few months ago, that same attitude landed me in the hospital (work) and That was something I was mulling over for the longest time for some reason, but in the end, it has made me so soo incredibly happy.

So basically, for anyone who has done endless research and is just finding excuses to delay a goal or path towards their goal.. just go for it. You already know you need to do it. Be scared but also excited for new opportunities. I'm feeling good today. I might not even get to my goal right off the bat, but I'm still gonna try and put some effort in,..cause that's all you can do at the moment, you know?
Also, title was perfect because I'm reading The Gambler and will have book review post coming up soon! (Yes! I haven't forgotten about reading).

A sneak post #1

Soo I know these shoes are super inappropriate for the weather right now but the stars were lined up; they were on sale and I had a voucher. These weren't actually the pair I was meant to buy, but then I was inspired by Finesse and I admit I have a sneaker problem. The white leather would have been a better choice but the insole was unique (even if no one will ever see it). The toe box is mesh which is not ideal at all, but it'll be good for summer (that's what I tell myself).

 








These are the WRT300CG (court classic) btw.

They might be my new favorite style/shoe. They're very slimming, but I wishhhh the platform was a tiny bit higher cause I like the added height :3 I'm forseeing the retirement my AF1 once I get the all-leather version :0

2018th year

This is it! The new years post!! Except I don't really have much to say. Normally, I'm super into watching the ball drop in NYC (on tv), tuning into all the end-of-year concerts/performances and just feeling **brand new** but I was got distracted watching Mind Hunters.....woops. 

Nevertheless, here my new year resolutions. Instead of trying to set future goals, I'm going to try to focus more on Present 'me' because I've been trying to be this fortune teller for too long and it's not working out:

1. Exercise. I've been diligent with my gains. Maybe I'll get that washboard stomach this summer.
2. Sneak in more reading time and anime time. 
3. Focus on studies. 
4. Build wardrobe. 
5. And generally treat/take care of myself.